Comments on: Reader Conundrum: The 30+ Year-Old Virgin http://www.smutandsteff.com/2005/09/reader-conundrum-30-year-old-virgin.html Sat, 13 Mar 2010 21:59:22 -0500 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.6 hourly 1 By: Anonymous http://www.smutandsteff.com/2005/09/reader-conundrum-30-year-old-virgin.html/comment-page-1#comment-2811 Anonymous Sun, 18 Jun 2006 05:27:00 +0000 http://www.smuttysteff.com/?p=58#comment-2811 I stumbled across your blog somehow and found this post. I am 35, a virgin, with no reasonable expectation of change in that situation in the near future. I have had 2 dates (with the same guy) in the last 6 years. I always thought I would wait until marriage (or at least a serious relationship) but I never realized it would be THIS long! The thing is: I have NEVER been in a situation with a guy where I had the opportunity to decide whether I was going to wait or not. <br/> <br/>I feel at ease with guys as friends, but in the past (way back when) no guy I "dated" ever stuck around past 2 dates. That kind of constant hit to the ego makes it really difficult to muster confidence in a dating situation. <br/><br/>Just this past spring, for the first time in my life, a guy (friend) told me that he thought I was "hot". He was surprised by my surprise at his telling me this. (He's offered to "help" me with my "situation" but he has a girlfriend and I'm not ready to be THAT person). <br/><br/>I've been struggling with trying to find that feeling within myself, that I am someone that a guy would want to be with. I am very confident in myself in any situation EXCEPT a social/dating type situation, I'm trying to figure out why I can't manage to be confident in this area of my life. I stumbled across your blog somehow and found this post. I am 35, a virgin, with no reasonable expectation of change in that situation in the near future. I have had 2 dates (with the same guy) in the last 6 years. I always thought I would wait until marriage (or at least a serious relationship) but I never realized it would be THIS long! The thing is: I have NEVER been in a situation with a guy where I had the opportunity to decide whether I was going to wait or not.

I feel at ease with guys as friends, but in the past (way back when) no guy I “dated” ever stuck around past 2 dates. That kind of constant hit to the ego makes it really difficult to muster confidence in a dating situation.

Just this past spring, for the first time in my life, a guy (friend) told me that he thought I was “hot”. He was surprised by my surprise at his telling me this. (He’s offered to “help” me with my “situation” but he has a girlfriend and I’m not ready to be THAT person).

I’ve been struggling with trying to find that feeling within myself, that I am someone that a guy would want to be with. I am very confident in myself in any situation EXCEPT a social/dating type situation, I’m trying to figure out why I can’t manage to be confident in this area of my life.

]]> By: JuYa http://www.smutandsteff.com/2005/09/reader-conundrum-30-year-old-virgin.html/comment-page-1#comment-2698 JuYa Mon, 29 May 2006 03:20:00 +0000 http://www.smuttysteff.com/?p=58#comment-2698 Hey AA, I'm in your boat too. The hardest part is TELLING the decent guy you just had a nice second date with that you're inexerienced. Rehearse. Have a clever monologue to deliver. Expect that he might bail; he might be too scared to do the defrocking; he might be a dickhead. Plan for all scenerios and you will feel better because you have a PLAN to at least get through the hardest part --revealing it. I'm with ya, girl. Hey AA, I’m in your boat too. The hardest part is TELLING the decent guy you just had a nice second date with that you’re inexerienced. Rehearse. Have a clever monologue to deliver. Expect that he might bail; he might be too scared to do the defrocking; he might be a dickhead. Plan for all scenerios and you will feel better because you have a PLAN to at least get through the hardest part –revealing it. I’m with ya, girl.

]]> By: Naked Condo http://www.smutandsteff.com/2005/09/reader-conundrum-30-year-old-virgin.html/comment-page-1#comment-1108 Naked Condo Sat, 31 Dec 2005 21:19:00 +0000 http://www.smuttysteff.com/?p=58#comment-1108 I think fundamentally those who wait and don't initiate don't get dates.<br/><br/>That's my experience as a non-initiator, anyway. I think fundamentally those who wait and don’t initiate don’t get dates.

That’s my experience as a non-initiator, anyway.

]]> By: Viviane http://www.smutandsteff.com/2005/09/reader-conundrum-30-year-old-virgin.html/comment-page-1#comment-648 Viviane Fri, 23 Sep 2005 03:57:00 +0000 http://www.smuttysteff.com/?p=58#comment-648 Perhaps this situation is more common than we think. Here's a dicussion from Ask Metafilter. The question was posed by a 30 year old male virgin.<br/><br/>http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/18186 Perhaps this situation is more common than we think. Here’s a dicussion from Ask Metafilter. The question was posed by a 30 year old male virgin.

http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/18186

]]> By: Danny http://www.smutandsteff.com/2005/09/reader-conundrum-30-year-old-virgin.html/comment-page-1#comment-601 Danny Tue, 13 Sep 2005 09:18:00 +0000 http://www.smuttysteff.com/?p=58#comment-601 Actually, i've found that the only thing a person needs is confidence. Not the brazen *ass kickin'* kind, but the confidence to be someone confortable with themselves.<br/><br/>To actually initiate conversation and to know if or when to attempt regular contact. Then start by holding hands, lightly brushing against the person and generally ensuring that lots of body contact is being made. Things just flow naturally from then on.<br/><br/><br/>From a now more experienced Tiger trying to survive in our contemporary society...<br/><br/><br/>(Or you could just pick a personality and play your part, whatever floats your boat.) :p Actually, i’ve found that the only thing a person needs is confidence. Not the brazen *ass kickin’* kind, but the confidence to be someone confortable with themselves.

To actually initiate conversation and to know if or when to attempt regular contact. Then start by holding hands, lightly brushing against the person and generally ensuring that lots of body contact is being made. Things just flow naturally from then on.

From a now more experienced Tiger trying to survive in our contemporary society…

(Or you could just pick a personality and play your part, whatever floats your boat.) :p

]]> By: scribe called steff http://www.smutandsteff.com/2005/09/reader-conundrum-30-year-old-virgin.html/comment-page-1#comment-600 scribe called steff Tue, 13 Sep 2005 07:16:00 +0000 http://www.smuttysteff.com/?p=58#comment-600 I expect a report! And so do THEY, I suspect. :)<br/><br/>(Grover, nice comment -- as usual.) I expect a report! And so do THEY, I suspect. :)

(Grover, nice comment — as usual.)

]]> By: Anonymous http://www.smutandsteff.com/2005/09/reader-conundrum-30-year-old-virgin.html/comment-page-1#comment-599 Anonymous Tue, 13 Sep 2005 06:17:00 +0000 http://www.smuttysteff.com/?p=58#comment-599 Thanks Steff for the time and thought you put into my question. I am off to ponder your suggestions(and work towards a new status!!). Thanks Steff for the time and thought you put into my question. I am off to ponder your suggestions(and work towards a new status!!).

]]> By: Grover http://www.smutandsteff.com/2005/09/reader-conundrum-30-year-old-virgin.html/comment-page-1#comment-598 Grover Mon, 12 Sep 2005 03:02:00 +0000 http://www.smuttysteff.com/?p=58#comment-598 Anonymous, I can't help but wonder if maybe you've got yourself too wrapped up in an unrealistically perfect ideal of the man you're waiting for. <br/><br/>First off, I'm not being critical of you. I'll be the first to tell you that there are many many many dickheads out there. If anything, I feel somewhat of a parallel with you, as I am divorcing at 27, and am pretty much a <i>social</i> virgin wondering if there is any hope for myself.<br/><br/>What I'm slowly learning, and what may be of use to you, is simply that the people I held as "perfect" tend not to be quite what I thought, and those with a hundred and one faults are the true diamonds in the rough. Keep your mind open to those you'd never imagine yourself with, you may just find that unexplainable illogical 'click'. Anonymous, I can’t help but wonder if maybe you’ve got yourself too wrapped up in an unrealistically perfect ideal of the man you’re waiting for.

First off, I’m not being critical of you. I’ll be the first to tell you that there are many many many dickheads out there. If anything, I feel somewhat of a parallel with you, as I am divorcing at 27, and am pretty much a social virgin wondering if there is any hope for myself.

What I’m slowly learning, and what may be of use to you, is simply that the people I held as “perfect” tend not to be quite what I thought, and those with a hundred and one faults are the true diamonds in the rough. Keep your mind open to those you’d never imagine yourself with, you may just find that unexplainable illogical ‘click’.

]]> By: scribe called steff http://www.smutandsteff.com/2005/09/reader-conundrum-30-year-old-virgin.html/comment-page-1#comment-597 scribe called steff Mon, 12 Sep 2005 01:02:00 +0000 http://www.smuttysteff.com/?p=58#comment-597 Mr. Hair: Couldn't have said it better myself! <i>"Find someone who is an adult and not a dick."</i> Exactly. The sooner, the better. <br/><br/>Anna: It's crazy how appealing confidence is. It's everyone's colour. :)<br/><br/>CFW: Heh! That's true, too.<br/><br/>Anonymous: Fortunately, you emailed me about that, so I've responded to you there.<br/><br/>Waiting for the "forever" is probably not the way to go in this day and age. I dunno. Hard answer to give. I may post something more on it later, though. It'd be interesting to see the dialogue on that one. Mr. Hair: Couldn’t have said it better myself! “Find someone who is an adult and not a dick.” Exactly. The sooner, the better.

Anna: It’s crazy how appealing confidence is. It’s everyone’s colour. :)

CFW: Heh! That’s true, too.

Anonymous: Fortunately, you emailed me about that, so I’ve responded to you there.

Waiting for the “forever” is probably not the way to go in this day and age. I dunno. Hard answer to give. I may post something more on it later, though. It’d be interesting to see the dialogue on that one.

]]> By: Anonymous http://www.smutandsteff.com/2005/09/reader-conundrum-30-year-old-virgin.html/comment-page-1#comment-596 Anonymous Sun, 11 Sep 2005 21:13:00 +0000 http://www.smuttysteff.com/?p=58#comment-596 Wow. I thought I was the only 30+ virgin on the planet. I am by choice, though. Always believed in the one-man-one-woman-lifelong-committment thing. It just hasn't worked out that way for me. Not yet. <br/><br/>And I'm about ready to gnaw my own arm off...<br/><br/>Care to ask the magic eight ball again: is there any hope for me? Wow. I thought I was the only 30+ virgin on the planet. I am by choice, though. Always believed in the one-man-one-woman-lifelong-committment thing. It just hasn’t worked out that way for me. Not yet.

And I’m about ready to gnaw my own arm off…

Care to ask the magic eight ball again: is there any hope for me?

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