8 Comments

1. figleaf
   Posted December 26, 2005 at 3:58 pm | Permalink

   This is such good advice, Steff. You’re becoming a queen of relationship communication advocacy. Thanks.

   I’ve just been reading The Ethical Slut and your words resonate very nicely with the authors’.

   I particularly appreciate your office analogy.

   Take care,

   figleaf

2. ZGD63
   Posted December 27, 2005 at 6:09 pm | Permalink

   I’m glad to see you’re writing regularly again. I’m a big fan of your style.

   Steff…do we ever find what we are looking for and if found, do we truly stop and appreciate it without imposing more conditions?

   Best wishes for 2006.

3. scribe called steff
   Posted December 27, 2005 at 6:37 pm | Permalink

   Thanks for the compliments, Fig & Z.

   Z– Geez, what do I look like, Bono? Heh. I have not found what I’m looking for. I wonder if I ever will. I don’t think it’s an issue of whether you find what you’re looking for… but rather, whether what you find remains right for you as you grow and change over the course of time. I mean, none of us reaches a maturation point and then just STAYS there until the end of our lives… we’re constantly changing and becoming new people.

   So, I think we find what we quest for, but do they change and grow with us? If not, then maybe a new search needs to begin.

   I have no idea about the appreciation / imposition stuff — that’s for each person to decide. I think no relationship deserves to have conditions, but that each party much have understandings they have about their role and their partners’.

   But there are people who just never appreciate what they happen on. And there are those who react badly, and when they get what they’ve been looking for, somehow feel it’s no longer right for them, because if they’ve found it/got it, then it’s not that exotic dream they had before — now it’s reality, now it’s undesireable. It’s like the John Cusack character says in High Fidelity, that you fall for these chicks and you see these lacey, sexy undies, but then you start getting regular with the chick or living with her, and you see those sexy undies are only for special occasions, or they’re being used to sucker you in… the real-life undies are the little cotton jobs. Know what I mean? What we want isn’t always realistic, so when we get it, we’re left unsatisfied, even though we’re getting exactly what we want.

   I could’ve probably thought this out better, but I’m sitting around with a flu and with back agony, so I really couldn’t care less about whether I’m making much sense… ALL I WANT IS A MASSAGE AND A MUSCLE RELAXER. But you think I’m getting what I want? Heh!

   Thanks on the best wishes 2006 thing — I suspect the year will begin better than this one is ending. Groan!

4. Walking Wounded
   Posted December 28, 2005 at 5:49 am | Permalink

   I think you are on to something here. Sex surveys whether with a partner or just personal reflection are a good idea for people of all ages.

   Being 30, I can look back at my own sexual growth through the many experiences (both positive and negative/humorous) and chuckle at the thought of what was going through my mind at that period in time sexually speaking. Every guy wants to be great, right? But how do people get great at sex? Does mere practice make perfect or should we ask somebody? Jeez, who do I ask? LOL

   I would meet a new sex partner and say to myself, “wow, she’s really good at *fill in the blank*.” Then I’d wonder how she got so good at it. Who taught her how to do that? All guys must’ve had the notion pass through their minds briefly that all of their partners were SELF taught. LOL

   Having traveled to different countries and seeing first hand how sex is treated as both an act and a subject for discourse I think we here in America are still being burdened from attitudes of decades past. I feel that the fairly recent surgence of conservativism may be to blame. Perhaps, partly to blame.

   It seems people are all about getting back to wholesome values. That’s fine. But it has affected the way we communicate publicly and prvately about sex. Not profane sex but healthy sex amongst adults. Of course, this type of thing makes its way from the public domain back to the bedroom. Call it a trickle-down theory of sorts.

   Being able to talk frankly, sexually, raunchy – whatever you want to call it – is very helpful with your partner. You need not try to become fluent in “smut-talk.” By all means though use your language to the fullest! Being able to tell a partner to touch, lick, pull, grab, suck, what have you, where you would like to be is very powerful in the bedroom. And you can make it sound like a sonnet or dialogue from your favorite porn movie. Either way, it is healthy and can solve a lot of problems people experience.

   After all, conservatives are all for saving marriages. Sexual communication is a wonderful way to start.

   Peace

   P.S. Sorry I’ve been a lurker for so long, lot’s of stuff happening. Glad to see your articles haven’t lost their vitality and edge! ;)

5. Fire Goddess
   Posted December 28, 2005 at 4:42 pm | Permalink

   I really enjoyed this AM with my love JD – stop by if you get a chance – I guarantee it’s hot

6. virgin
   Posted December 28, 2005 at 11:42 pm | Permalink

   You never fail to make me long for somebody to try your suggestions out with.

7. Shamus O'Drunkahan
   Posted December 29, 2005 at 11:45 pm | Permalink

   Some great advice there Steff!

8. scribe called steff
   Posted January 6, 2006 at 5:44 pm | Permalink

   Walking Wounded — See, it’s that “healthy sex amongst adults” that I’m so often talking about, because at heart, I’m fairly conservative. I’m not promiscuous, I haven’t amassed a large number of partners, and sleeping with someone is still something I wrack my brain about, because I’m not willing to just give it up because there’s nothing better on TV or anything. I’ve had to deal a lot with people placing stereotypes on me that, because I’m so interested in sex, I’m somehow amoral as a result. I was recently rejected for funding from a Christian-based group in regards to a certain project because of this blog. And I have to wonder why? What’s so offensive that I’ve spoken of? There’s only one account I’ve ever related to my own private life, and that’s the Saga of J, which is from more than a decade ago.

   We’re so fucking scared to talk about sex because we’ll be stereotyped, so everyone blushes and keeps it to themselves. I’m tired of it, really, really tired of it. Instead, we’re willing to sit back and watch as the numbers of divorces skyrocket, and pretend that marriage is still some sanctimonious act, but in reality, we’re disrespecting it more than ever. The two main causes for divorce? Sex and money — both issues that can be resolved with a little more action and a lot more talk, but fat chance that’s gonna happen if we continue along with our heads up our asses.

   Oh, my, I guess I’m feeling a little incediary this afternoon. Must be my fever. :) I miss your comments! You always have such valuable things to say.

   Fire — Urm, okay.

   Virgin — Here’s hoping this is your year.

   Shamus — Why, thank ye.