Mike’s Girl
Posted March 24, 2007 at 6:03 pm | Permalink | Edit

His stoic aspects influence me, and I remember to look at things more objectively. It’s a yin to my yang.

Um… sorry… but it’s the ‘Yang to your yin’ — the standard definitions are: Yang as masculine, strong, solid, upright, objective and yin as feminine, weak, emotional, flexible, and subjective.

However, I always advise people on my dating/mating/marrying forum that yin and Yang are opposites but also complements. The yin is actually no less strong than the Yang — merely its obverse.

If you consider the “tai chi” — that black and white interlaced half-circle with the ’seed’ of the opposite color in its head? — you’ll notice that the yin (black half) is EXACTLY the same size (strength) as the Yang (white half); so it’s not weaker or lesser, merely opposite.

The stronger the Yang/male half is, the stronger must be his yin/female partner, else she is not his complement — his natural mate! If she is a weak wimpy female, then a strong male cannot partner her very successfully. She must also be a strong female — but not strong in a masculine sense; not aggressive and pushy and directive — not “like a man.” Rather she must be strong in her own femininity; protective of her sense of herself, of her feelings, of her own best interests.

Anyway… just a note in passing… as I enjoy your blog….

marvin — thank ya, baby.

I particularly liked how you distinguished between “sensitive” and “empathetic.”

Keep up the good work, Steff.

The mysterious hero, from the days of film noir…

“I am the terror that flaps in the night…”
“I am the pin about to burst your bubble…”
“I am…DARKWING DUCK!!!”

Now that’s cool.

Seriously though, the dark, mysterious hero in the trenchcoat with the oversized chapeau, who swoops in, saves the day, and then disappears into the night before the damsel-in-distress can even thank him…

Hey, look at it this way, at least I don’t collect Star Wars or Star Trek figures…

Mad — Darkwing, huh? Wouldn’t have figured.

You know, mentioning heroes and all, I had a Marine in Iraq write to tell me how much he liked this post. (People — No, don’t get political on my ass and start belittling troops and shit. A lot of ‘em are damned good people, and the administration that sent ‘em there, they suck. The troops are just doing jobs, and some of them are fucking up — like we do, in our jobs, all the time, ‘cept they land on tv.) Anyhow, I really loved that dude’s letter. Probably up there with my all-time fave letters from readers. Just awesome. I want to share it but I like it so much it feels private.

*******

I should say this: There are a lot of circumstances I could handle a guy getting a little broken down over something. I’d feel good to know the weakness found him from time to time. I just don’t want a regular event, you know? Anniversary of a bad thing, something like that, that’d be understandable, too. I think it seems a little black and white in the post. Sometimes, it’s okay. Just not often, and not in really emotional ways. I mean, learn to be manly emoters, y’know? Heh.

Oh, and I agree with all the stuff that’s not directly about me too (heh heh).

Seriously, though, I sent Steff a two-hour monologue about how when it comes down to it, most of us guys just want to be heroes- but somewhere along the line, we learn there’s no place for heroes in the real world. So we become lost.

The thing is, having said it, I realise and understand it. And that’s the first step in finding my inner hero again.

I’m on my way.

(Have to mention this- always loved the cartoon Darkwing Duck. In one episode, Darkwing and his sidekick Launchpad McQuack go into Darkwing’s mind to meet his “inner hero”. Through a tiny door in Darkwing’s mind comes this three inch tall knight-in-shining-armour sitting on a three inch warhorse. Darkwing’s in disbelief- “That’s my inner hero…!!!”, when the knight says, “Wait until you meet my partner!” This horrible noise comes from behind the wall in which the 6 inch door is set, then the wall starts to break apart, revealing a gargantuan, deranged, Darkwing. Darkwing Duck stutters, “My…my ego??!!!”

(Sorry, I just always loved that part- had to share it. Anyways, back to being a man and a hero and all that.)

Thanks, Steff, for going the distance on this one; it’s important as it’s a step on the road to understanding…and enlightenment…

Almost as soon as I’d hit the send button I realised that even the act of raising this subject sounds weak and petty and whining and, well, exactly the things that men hate women to think that they are and women hate to see…

But the fact is that some men are.

Now, I’ve had quite a week so far, and my brain resembles pease pudding slightly more that normal, so please stick with me as I voice some radom rambling thoughts…

I have this theory, and it goes something like this;

The majority of men are brought up by a woman; namely their mother. From a very early age, therefore, they get used to staying on the right side of a woman by saying what mum wants to hear…

trouble is, when we grow up, it’s all too wasy to assume – and we do – that the same tack will work with the women we want to have a relations ship and, yes, sex with.

It won’t.

In fact it’s the most annoying, frustrating amd pathetic thing that we can do, but it’s so ingrained by the time we get old enough to get hard it’s just second nature…

There have been various attempts to right this wrong…but up to now most have failed. Perhaps the feminist movement was one of them…not sure…

…but almost certainly one of them was the encouraging of men to ‘Get in touch with their feminine side’…

Unfortunately men took it as meaning that we had to start acting like women…

A bit tough that one…especially as we haven’t a clue how women act – well we do, but we don’t empathise with the reasons behind their ‘behaviour’, so we don’t understand it. It’s like learning the words of a foriegn song phonetically and anyone listening would think you spoke the language…

listen guys, women are fluent speakers – they spot a faker faster than you can say ‘Casanova’…

This thing that we’re talking about here has caused rows between me and just about every woman I’ve been involved with…

…you mean I haven’t learned the lesson yet?

Well yes, actually, I have. But remember that bit about being brought up by a woman? We get so used to being made wrong or being verbally attacked by our mothers that when a woman opens her mouth and starts to talk emotionally about something we either see it as ‘I’m about to be blamed for the way she’s feeling’ or ‘I’m about to be attacked for something’, so what do we do?

She needs a heart to heart – she needs reassurance in her life, her relationship, her man, her…well, everything…and we pile in there with big boots on a fuck it up.

Again.

But there is an answer, although it needs patience and willingness on both sides…

I’ve listened to the way guys talk and I’ve listened to the way Girls talk. And it’s different.

Guys generally cover up their problems unless they’re drunk – then they just get embarrassing.

Girls know instinctively that what they do is spill their troubles to each other; they EMPATHISE – which they can do because they’re girls too…finish their coffee and go on with their day having a bit of renewed clarity with which to deal with stuff.

And that makes it sound like I’m making your ’stuff’ less important and significant than it really is. Which is exactly what always happens because I’m not a woman.

And no, I’m not. Making your stuff less, that is.

The answer?

When you want empathy, give us a clue first. My best friend in the world is a woman. I know by the look on her face that we’re in for one…I just don’t know for sure what it is until she says to me…

‘Look, this is a girly talk, ok?’

That’s my cue and immediately I know.

This isn’t personal.

This isn’t a ‘get at’.

This isn’t blame.

This is ‘You’re my hero and I need one right now.’

This is ‘You actually mean enough to me for me to spill this stuff to and I appreciate that…it just won’t sound like it.’

This is ‘You probably won’t understand this and you definitely won’t be able to fix it in fact I don’t want it fixed I just want you to try and to be there.’

I think Mad Coyote has it.

We are ALWAYS our woman’s hero; we just don’t always act like it because we don’t always realise or remember.

And we’re not going to be told by our women because then we are being everything EXCEPT heroic.

Spanky said:”Men are our measurement” and I can see what you mean. Everything in the world gets measured against a reference – a bench mark.

Perhaps it is that men and women provide the juxtaposition we each need to get a handle on this crazy, crazy world we inhabit together.

Chaps…try to be a hero every day. be Noble.

Girls…just be. We love it, really we do.

If we get choked up a little on occasion it’s because we get slapped in the face with the knowledge that we can’t always fix everything and we feel like we should be able to.

If men are the measure that women use, perhaps women are the touchstone that men use to judge how what’s okay to be.

Enough.

Sorry if this is too long or has nothing to do with the topic…the stream of consciousness caught the weatherman on the hop.. :¬)

Thanks for putting up with me.

Ciao.

your later comments about the so-called girlie-girls being expected to be competent and reacting — women aren’t supposed to be in that place anymore. we’ve moved on, as a sex. those chicks need to get with the fucking program, and i applaud any man who expects more of them. rightly bloody so. if the girls want to piss and moan about it, well, y’know, let’em. they need a little self-respect.

i disagree that weaknesses ARE tolerable, for either sex. they’re human, but it’s not something we want to tolerate daily in our lives. extreme circumstances beget extreme responses. forgetting where you parked the car? not so much.

we must be strong, proud people who are capable of leading our lives in intelligent, mature fashion. we live in a society where everyone can shirk blame, sue whoever they want when they spill their fucking coffee. “but i didn’t know it would be that hot!” i mean, we’re a society of wimps, really. women have gotten stronger, but the new generation has kind of this bi-polar thing going; the fluffy Britney wanna-bes and then the ones like me who think Janeane Garafolo and Avril Lavigne’s where it’s at.

and who’s to blame? who bloody knows, but my money’s on the good folk in the media, creating images and illusions of what a chick should be.

me, i don’t think it’s acceptable for women to break down over the least little thing. i think crying is weak for either sex, most of the time. misting up’s all good, but the thing is, we all get weak. it doesn’t matter if it’s fucking tolerable or not, it’s just human. sometimes, it happens. it’s not about being weak, it’s about being strong enough to get the hell back up.

like anything in life, being emotional isn’t about just being emotional — it’s about being emotional with dignity. blubbering women are unsexy, uncool, and not a part of the vibe i’m emitting or ever will emit.

ah, well, i lost my train of thought way the hell back there, but hey. like i keep saying, big topic. thanks for a really interesting question.

Assigning virtues to a gender for their exclusive purview, even assuming very traditional roles, doesn’t really distinguish anything, and provides no guidance to someone looking to better live their assigned role.

What your entry on sensitivity made me think of is that gender roles are defined in people’s mind less by what virtue each includes, but more about what weaknesses are tolerable. It’s tolerable for a woman to go to pieces at little things, but not for a man (your sensitivity essay reinforces this); it’s tolerable for a man to be insensitive to his friend’s emotional difficulties, but not for a woman. Our expectations for each sex are built up by how we expect them to fail.

There’s a parallel for women with men no longer knowing how to act–’girly girls’ are also getting frustrated at men who expect a measure of personal competence from them. Look at Craig’s List for Vancouver–every post in Women Seeking Men where some female UBC student is looking for ’some help with tuition in exchange for favours’ is met with a barrage of “you’re a whore” and “die, gold-digger” responses.

I don’t have a larger point; these are just thoughts your blog raises. I do appreciate your tackling of these subjects, especially with regard to men and male identity. It’s an under-explored area, I think.

Off the top of my head, I think we both need to mirror each others’ virtues. I think the application of those virtues might differ between the sexes.

Hmm. I don’t know. :)

Did you have anything specific in mind?