He does go down on me, sometimes. But he basically ventures down there and explores for five or ten minutes (which is how long it takes him to orgasm when I give him a blowjob). Then, when I haven’t orgasmed by that point, he just stops, and does something else.

I try to give subtle clues, by moaning or moving my hips, or scratching his scalp when he’s doing something I like, but then he assumes I am having an orgasm, and stops completely.

The book idea sounds way more like it is our speed. We both enjoy reading frequently, and writing as well. And I would be more apt to do that than to just bring it up verbally.

~JAFF

I really don’t know if there’s any way you can get around being blunt about it. You can certainly try. If writing is his strong point, and clearly yours, maybe expressing it in the form of a letter might be the way to go.

Books, one of the best on sex for both genders is Paul Joannides’ Guide to Getting it On.

This is why I tell people they need to talk about sex before they have sex. When it goes undealt with for so long, it becomes a painful thing to find out. I was watching Leno the other night and a chick called her boyfriend on television to say she’d been faking it 6 out of 10 times. I couldn’t believe he got the news that way, but that’s the problem.

Eventually, the guy’s probably gonna think, “Fuck, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Most men react that way. Most women are scared of hurting their feelings. It’s a vicious fucking cycle. Guys, their pride gets hurt and then they get over it. Most men are competitive enough to want to put an end to that inadequacy in a hurry.

And these DVDs I’m talking about are not porn, they’re erotica. There is a world of difference. A world. But hey. :)

Whatever you do, you need to do it soon.

Maybe making a list, something poetic and beautifully written, that says “All the things I love that you do to and for me,” and then “All the things I wish you would do.” And give him a book.

Now, depending whether he’s the kind of guy who likes detailed explanations and user guides and stuff, this might work for you. You get a book that works for YOU. Find something that says all the things you’d love to experience. Get Post-It note pagemarkers. Find the sections that turn you on. Tab them with the pagemarkers. Get a highlighter and highlight the first line of the section you want him to read. Put little notes inside on Post-It notes saying why the thought of that excites you.

Then write what you’ll do to him in return. You can annotate on the note what corresponding page of the book THAT trick’s gonna be. “Then when you’ve finished licking and nibbling me until I can’t take it anymore, I’ll pin you down and perform — turn to page 94.” And highlight the passage there.

I think that way could be a real hoot, and I’ve never thought of it before now, but it’s playful without hurting anyone’s feelings. If that fails, then you’ve got to get fucking blunt and say what you really feel.

But if you don’t pepper it with enticing little notes, it could come off as cold and callous. The notes make the exercise a game, a tease. It becomes an intellectual form of foreplay, an expression of reward and payment for tasks performed. Pretty erotic stuff, sometimes.

We’re young… early twenties. We have been together several years, but only started having sex about a year ago. I masturbate frequently and have no problems getting turned on or getting off.

He keeps the condoms in his closet along with the sex toys and other like items.

I think, honestly, it just never occurs to him that it might take a little more for me to get turned on than it does for himself. Really, we kiss once or twice and he’s hard… not that he isn’t sexy, but it just takes a little more for me. I wish he would slow down and just linger for a while.

The book idea might work, though both of us pretty much have a disinterest in watching porn. Since we’re both writers, I thought about possibly writing a fictional scenario for him of how I might like things to go and giving it to him. Any thoughts on that?

It’s just so sad, because everything else romantically is amazing. He knows his table etiquette, *grin* always remembers special occasions, and treats me like a princess. I can’t see not being with him, so my best bet is to fix this problem somehow. But, I don’t want to insult his masculinity by saying he isn’t good with me sexually.

~J.A.F.F.

besides, there’s something really rewarding about both winding up in a sweaty mess, not satiated, but totally content with just being with each other. it’s really quite delicious in and of itself.

As a younger lover, it’s just different. Understandable, still questionable, but understandable for sure.

And like you I’ve never minded because can take matters into my own hands either there or later. And If I just wanted an orgasm I could stay home and do that myself. Intead I have sex because I enjoy *sex!* It feels good, it’s fun, it’s sociable, personal, intimate, great exercise, emotional, mental, and… I don’t have to be explaining this do I? It’s obvious.

I don’t fake it anymore (maybe ’cause I’m older too???) and I’d *definitely* prefer that a partner told me she didn’t unless she really did. Still, I understand that feeling of not wanting to disappoint.

Camogirl’s got exactly the right idea: anybody who’s partner is having a hard time shouldn’t feel at all bad if she or he takes matters into her own hands. Neither should anyone feel at all bad handling it ourselves. And you’ve got it exactly right that penile/vaginal intercourse isn’t a very efficient way to reach women in the right spots but, and here’s the deal, *she usually enjoys it anyway* as long as her partner’s not being a dick.

Finally, the only real problem is when your partner doesn’t even bother to try. For whatever reason.

Thanks for stirring this up, Steff. I look forward to your full post.

figleaf

Anyway, great post, Steff. Thanks for stirring things up.

(All I know is, never underestimate the power of sex in a relationship. There are friends, and there are lovers, and you always need to decide who it is you’re with and what it is you need. The choices are difficult at times, but yeah, don’t tell yourself you’re a bad person for thinking you deserve more sexually than your partner’s willing to provide. We guilt-trip the shit out of ourselves about that, and it’s wrong.)

J.A.F.F. — How old are you guys, if you don’t mind my asking? And you’re able to orgasm solo and such? I think your loverboy needs a good book on how to get women off. I don’t know what to recommend, though, right now. I wonder if buying him a book and flat-out telling him you love everything about him except how he demonstrates his love for you physically. I think you’ve got to be blunt and tell him it ain’t working — and tell him NEXT time that he doesn’t get a fucking blowjob, that if you have to work for him, then he’d better work for you. And why aren’t your condoms right next to the bed, anyhow? People who keep them in the bathroom mystify me. I have ‘em in my living room and in my bedroom, so the mood never needs to spoil.

Sartre — I love sweaty messes! They rock. Thanks for tackling the bonehead, nice story.

TGiC — Good point. We fake because we’re feeling self-conscious, like we’re the problem, too. I should add that to this posting. Taking things in your own hands is always good, and guys who are man enough to handle it will probably always get off watching you do so. You can always give them a vibrator or something so they can get in on the fun, too.

MC — ‘Cos intimacy rocks. Cuddling, just spooning, all these things are awesome, but having sex just to be closer to them is very, very romantic, too, and passionate, and the orgasm is only icing on the cake.

Funny, daytime I get the most comments between 9-10a.m. and 12-1:30-p.m. Lunchtime voyeurs.