1. Mike’s Girl
Posted March 24, 2007 at 7:13 pm | Permalink | Edit

Thought I should add this over here too…

The only person being left out of these comments and calculations is the OTHER wife. No question, this woman/writer is in a terrible place, and I don’t see too much wrong with her finding some happiness outside her ‘marriage’ to her injured husband. (And respect to her for her continuing care of him; fer shure, the worse of ‘for better or worse.’)

But what of the marriage of her paramour, the relationship HE is betraying and destroying, and the life (or lives, if he is the father of kids) that HE is damaging in his involvement outside *his* marriage? I can speak (with such pain and grief as I never knew I could live with) of the damage to MY marriage, to my self-respect, and my self-esteem, and my view of myself and, of the total destruction of my trust in my husband. My husband never even actually slept with the woman he fell in love with (just over a year ago), and the “relationship” only lasted a couple of months (and he was, no question, wholly and deeply in love with the “other woman”) and I still don’t know if *I* will ever recover from the damage to ME, much less if our marriage will survive.

This unhappy woman must surely find solace where she can… but I think this man, with his family to consider, is NOT the way!

But what of the marriage of her paramour, the relationship HE is betraying and destroying, and the life (or lives, if he is the father of kids) that HE is damaging in his involvement outside *his* marriage? I can speak (with such pain and grief as I never knew I could live with) of the damage to MY marriage, to my self-respect, and my self-esteem, and my view of myself and, of the total destruction of my trust in my husband. My husband never even actually slept with the woman he fell in love with (just over a year ago), and the “relationship” only lasted a couple of months (and he was, no question, wholly and deeply in love with the “other woman”) and I still don’t know if *I* will ever recover from the damage to ME, much less if our marriage will survive.

This unhappy woman must surely find solace where she can… but I think this man, with his family to consider, is NOT the way!

All I can say to this lady is that in hard time you do what you’ve got to for it to get you through. If it makes you feel good, then damn the collective opinions about “morality” of a bunch of people who’re never going to have to be where you are, and take what happiness you can get without guilt.

at least this is how i feel as a single mom.

us people need lovin. and if she’s getting some from her friend, and it feels good, then by all means. and if she should meet someone else (someone who might not elsewise be married — because that can be a can of worms in of itself) along the way, then please!

and maybe it’s time to start not caring about what other people think. it’s time to be yourself. this is your life.

consider getting some outside help, too. i can imagine a grown child would be alot of work.

ugh, it is so hard to not be hard on yourself, especially when the situation is so difficult to begin with.

the thing is you have the strength and you will get through everything.

Have you ever considered respite care? Here is a sample link: http://www.health.gov.bc.ca/hcc/respite.html
You’ve already borne more suffering than many others will experience in their lifetime. It’s all right to wish for help.

My heart breaks for you, and all I can say is - it’s all right. It’s all right to be human, to be angry, to feel guilt, to have needs, to have desires. It’s all right to not be strong all the time.

This happens to the families (or rather, caregivers) of patients with debilitating chronic illness, over and over again.

There are therapists who understand what it is to be human - they may not have that magic pill, but they will listen. Please please take a chance that your therapist is one of those people.

- me.

People do things for a reason; this woman sought a sexual relationship with a married man. That very act is both an indication of her distressful situation and a means to an end, such that by engaging in an extramarital relationship she brings her emotions into immediate view, where she can have the necessary experience of dealing with them.

How can she beat herself up for takign care of what she needs to do?

If she doesn’t do what she needs to do to get through the days, what she needs to do to get through the nights how can she be of any use to not only her children, but also to the childlike man who used to be her husband ( I see it as he is only her husband in name now…situation being reversed, I’m sure she would see it that way to…she would be a wife in name only )how can she be the person those around her need her to be so they can through their days?

She is in no way a white trash whore…gimme a break, and as far as the married man…simply, not here issue to worry about, that’s his…

Too harsh and prescriptive? I raspberry you. Unlike you, I’ve been in correspondence with the woman. She’s beating herself up and was prepared for me to deliver some pretty crushing commentary — none of which materialized.

If you want to read Dan Savage, read Dan Savage. I’m not gonna say what he says, ‘cos I ain’t him. She asked ME for my thoughts, and these are them.

Yeesh.