Comments on: Reader Says: Ack! Ex Wants To Be Friends! What Now?

By: Principal Quattrano

Principal Quattrano — Sun, 25 Mar 2007 23:41:00 +0000

Not only is he trying to assuage his guilty conscience ("Why'd she have to go and take it that hard?") and keep his sexual options open, he's also starting to think that he's not going to have the girl around anymore to do girl things that guys often like to delegate out — like cooking, cleaning, gift-buying...

Him: You want to talk about it?
Me: Get out of my house.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 10:41:00 +0000

on the subject of breakups.. i hate it when people hang around when they no longer want to be with you… purpose of a relationship was to make people happy…if its not happening.. move on!

or i could be compleatly misguided in this whole thing….

By: Markbnj

Markbnj — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 14:13:00 +0000

OK. I'll stick my two cents in here....

I ain't a chick... and I ain't gonna sugar-coat it.

Men are PIGS, (we turn into pigletts at puberty, and just age into big old fat ones by the time
that were my age. (almost 50...and still married to my College sweetie[amazing facts there...]

BUT that being said, friends is REALLY just code for "no marriage, but I'd STILL like your pants,
cause you're a slut that I love plugging"

Or as I previously said HERE:
http://my-poem-a-day.blogspot.com/2007/02/sun-04-feb-07-men-are-pigs.html

an excerpt:
Boys and teens are always dreaming
where can they put their dirt.
Boys keep trying, till they 'dying
Wanting it to work.

more above

Love to all, and stay SAFE when you do YOUR relationship.
AIDS/HIV sucks big time!

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 23:15:00 +0000

Smutt, you write “Maybe it’s just because I’m a chick….”. Well, I’m a guy and just the same I’m presently wondering if my recent ex keeps up the contact with me to keep a friendship, is she really interested in me as a friend, or does this just give her a better self-image and a better sleep. My point here, it can be the other way around just as well.

Sure I’d like to stay friends. I know many ex-couples who managed to keep up a friendship, including myself with another ex. (the trick is to be reflective enough to find out early enough that the relationship is not going to work out the way you want to. So, before some huge resentments build up between the partners.) I’m just wondering…Is it so difficult for someone who broke up a marvelous (even in her eyes) relationship because the feelings just flew away from her over night, to understand that it’s *not that easy* for me to develop a friend-relationship straight away. I’d love to, but I need some time first to get into equilibrium inside me.

By: Claire

Claire — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 21:53:00 +0000

I'm still mates with an ex. I think it depends on the reasons for the break up and how clean it was though. My break up was a clean and mutual thing, we both thought it was for the best and to the benefit of both of us. That was just the situation we were both in at the time.

If there was a one-sided break up like the one in the e-mail then being friends may not work out so well. She'd need to go with what she wants, and not try to please the guy.

Sounds like she still likes him but it could become awkward.

By: roscoe

roscoe — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 19:58:00 +0000

Ok here’s the guy’s take…it’s one of two things and if the info Steff presented is anything close to true it will be something like this…

1. you did something to make him feel less of himself and he needs to find “him” again…you moved too fast, tried to read into simple things or just questioned him about being him when you were trying to figure out “where” you stood in his life…simply put, you zigged when you should have zagged and he want s you around because he does like you he just wants to get to know you…

2. Like the Sex and the City episode….he’s just not that into you to get married but hanging out and having fun is great, it’s just not going any farther…

Like I said, a guy’s view that I know some of you ladies won’t like but as they say…reality bites sometimes…

By: alana

alana — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 13:58:00 +0000

i think that whole “friend” idea is a load. he should know that she’s hurt and not try to text her the next freakin’ day, that makes me believe that he thinks he may have made a mistake.

i don’t like flippant people like that, chickie’s not a yo-yo to be jerked around, and once she realizes that, her life will get much better.

By: Beth

Beth — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 12:36:00 +0000

Spot on, as usual, Steff.

With one exception, I have no contact with any man I've ever dated. And that one exception was the one man I didn't sleep with. Hmm.

I once had a guy break up with me (after a short but intense spell) who said - in his e-mail, his chosen forum for ending things, which tells you a lot about the guy right there - that he still wanted to be friends, that he liked talking to me and thought I was great and fun and funny and blah blah blah.

I quickly fired back that I am not an a la carte menu.

Which isn't to say I'd never be friends with an ex in the future, but like Steff says, it's very tricky. And the most important thing is to honor what *you* want. Guilt has no place in the equation.

To my mind, if Mr. Formerly Wonderful was really so wonderful, he'd appreciate you enough to be honest and say, "It's not working. I'm sorry," and throw you back to be caught by someone else. Clean break.

The last guy I dated seriously stood by his apartment door as I got my coat on after he broke up with me (yeah, he let me come to him; another winner) and said, "You hate me now."

I reassured him that I didn't hate him. Because I didn't. I knew things weren't going to work out between us ultimately, too. But I was struck by the fact that moments after dropping a bomb on me, he was wanting me to make him feel better. Oy vey.

Do what's right for you. If he wakes up someday and realizes he made a mistake and wants you back and you want him back, maybe you just needed the break. But if you find you've moved on, if you find yourself thinking, "Really? I ever dated you? Why?", then good for you, too.